Racer X: Introducing the Race Hardware Maximizer

After the webcam "incident" in which I was revealed doing bare-chested isometric crunches on my exercise ball during the GloboCorp telecon, I got booted from the approved consultant list. Changing my name, growing a goatee, and pretending to have a thing for Constance in purchasing didn't get me back on. Before I got too far behind on my hyperbaric chamber payments, I had to figure out a way to get some Benjamins flowing.

So, what does the X-Man do? Create his own destiny. Scorched earth policy, baby.

Introducing my latest invention: The Race Hardware Maximizer (RHM) is a proprietary software package that does exactly that. Want to take all the guesswork out of deciding where your chances of winning race hardware are the greatest? Try RHM. It scours participant lists, assesses competitor strengths and weaknesses, adjusts for weather conditions, considers course characteristics, analyzes officials' tendencies, factors in the type of energy drink served on the course versus your stomach's historical preference, and even incorporates info on types of awards. Only interested in picking up trophies and not plaques? Simply indicate that on the "preference filter."

A secondary benefit is the "athlete avoidance" feature. Never want to go head to head against Jean-Marie again? Or tired of seeing Brad and Tiffani hanging all over each other in the transition area? No problem.

To get some industry buzz, I basically gave away RHM version 1. But the haters complained there was no way to account for race-day signup or different spellings of people's names. Let me call the waaaambulance. OK, those issues are still oustanding but I have since added a "wetsuit module."

An outfit in Mexico has expressed interest in buying me out, so I'm headed down to do some negotiationes with some muchachos over some major dineros — and cervezas.

Later,
Racer X